Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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