youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
