Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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