Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
