Just fell off a train. Bad.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
