I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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