it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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