this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
