So drunk its hurt
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
