Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
