Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
