we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Holy shit dude........stairs
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
