Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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