I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
