I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
