how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
You took a bar mat shot.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
