he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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