Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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