Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
