Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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