I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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