DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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