Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
