I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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