I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.