that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
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mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
should my penis look like a turkey
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
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I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.