A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I stole a fireplace last night.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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