So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
