This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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