She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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