Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
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My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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