oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
