Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
