So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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