my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
