I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
