the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
