Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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