Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
