the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
