Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
