what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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