hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
