party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
