im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
