Pappa wants mamma naked
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
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