Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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