she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
