I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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