if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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