I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
