I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
