the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
