Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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