I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
