And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
