im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
