Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
