I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
